Change. The one constant. And yet somehow I always find a way to resist it or be shocked by it's arrival, as if I have never seen summer turn into fall, or love disintegrate into affection or "like", or a setting sun turn the sky amber. I have seen people come and go, I have seen people die and also be born, I have seen snow fall onto the hood of a car and turn into a puddle. And yet, change eludes me. Some people live for it. You know them. They always change jobs, they cut their hair all the time and aren't afraid to dye it various colors. They move a lot. They travel. They change their minds. Often.
Do you know me? Have you seen my hair. I have hair down to my waist that I rarely ever cut and when I do it's as bad as being scared by someone in a dark alley, they way my heart beats out of my chest. I worked at the Newsroom Cafe for over 13 years. I have lived in the same apartment for years. I like my routines. I don't handle it well when people leave my life, whether it is a break-up of some sort or they move.
The rational part of my brain knows that this change thing is all part of life. But my subconscious brain, I suppose, wants things to stay status quo. Or maybe that is not true. Maybe it is just the process of it that fascinates me. Really? Another year has gone by? Really, I actually have lines on my face? I am married? Some of my friends have children? My father died?
Ah, it all boils down to that. When things shift and change shapes a part of me panics, th part of me that lost my dad at a young age. Now you must understand that none of this is a conscious belief. Somewhere in the burrows of my soul, I believe that if I can just keep things "the way they are", if I can just not touch anything, not move anything, then things will be fine. My father will not die. All will be well.
I just got back from leading a retreat with the incredible duo Jana and Miranda Saunders. This is what they do. They help you shift your unconscious patterns so that you may be able to access and manifest all that you want in life. In fact, their favorite saying is " Yay change!"
When I was younger, I couldn't visualize the future simply because my dad died so young that it was hard for me to imagine myself at 30. or 35. Well, I no longer have to visualize. I made it.
( A sigh of relief). I am learning to embrace change. Understanding that it does not have to equal sadness and chaos.
It can be the butterfly.
Excerpt from my poem "Sculpting"
We change shapes and figures over and over again.
We exchange one body for the next, one precious
Stone for a different one.One pleasure for another.